Sunday, May 25, 2003
BLOOD: Human circulatory fluid, too precious to be shed for the sake of
oil, domestic order, or national security, but not too precious to be shed
for the sake of personal empowerment or social justice.
QUETZALCOATL: Pre-Columbian, hence virtuous, American deity
syncretistically analogous to the ancient Middle Eastern Baal.
MAYA ANGELOU: A semi-divine member of the Oprahic pantheon. As national
poet-laureate, her great spiritual powers enable her to churn out limitless
quantities of fungibly sentimental verbiage, which lend it's patrons an air
of cultural sophistication without associating themselves with dead white
males or conventional asthetics.
NEW: Ways of doing things that are informed by 1960s attitudes, 19th
century economic and social theories, ancient Roman "bread and circuses"
policies, and primeval jungle situational ethics.
HELLO: Republican codeword greeting, precise meaning determined by the
group identity of the addressee. When addressed to a woman it means "I
intend to deprive you of control of your body in order to make myself feel
big." When a Republican directs this word at a racial minority, the meaning
becomes "I'm behaving in all ways as if I were not a racist, in order to
fool everyone."
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Someone subscribed me to an Indian humor and inspirational poetry Yahoo
list, which I have been unable to post to or unsubscribe from. A lot of the
mail I get from it is in Hindi or Urdu or something. The jokes are pretty
weird over there. When a guy riding an elephant goes into a bar, the
elephant isn't a comic device, just a realistic background detail. Often,
the talking monky is the straight man (or possibly a god). I've learned
that whatever a Sardar is, they don't know much about lightbulbs. Here's
some of the better stuff I've gotten from them:
>A foreign tourist spots a sexy eunuch while walking
>down Malabar Hills and asks:"R u a Prostitute?"
>the eunuch replies: "No, I am a substitute."
>While paying the bill, the storekeeper objected on a
>Rs.500 note. and asked the girl as to where she keeps the notes.
>The Girl replied " In my bra.."
>"That is why Gandhiji's MOUTH IS OPEN.!!" exclaimed the shopkeeper.
>Santa reads a poster outside a police station
>"wanted for rape and murder cases."
>He goes in and says,
>"Sir I want to apply for the job on the poster !!!".
>Santa give twelve roses to his wife, Jeeto, who is
>thrilled with Santa's action.
>She undresses, lies down spreads her legs and says
>this is for the roses.
>Santa: Why, can't you find a vase.
>The best place to propose to a girl is inside a mandir
>coz she wudnot be wearing her shoes........
>Sex Karo Daily, Agar Woh Mil Jaye Akeli. Agar Na Mile
>Akeli Toh Pakad Lo
>Uski Saheli, Agar Na Mile Saheli Toh Jindabaad
>Hatheli.
>BUT DO SEX DAILY!!!!!
Sunday, May 11, 2003
BABY: Future taxpayer and potential voter; symbolically usefull, otherwise
troublesome. Acquisition of babies encourages such vices as consumption,
greed, xenophobia, censorship, fanaticism, and bourgeois morality in most
people, who should thus be discouraged from doing so. People should be
encouraged to have babies only in cases in which doing so would tend to
increase their dependence and sense of grievance, hence their political
loyalty to us.
OPRAH: The incarnation of Gaia that serves as the patron goddess of
compassion and literature.
BAD: The quality of being a thing that can be compared in some way to
something associated with the 1950's, such as anti-communism, families
reminicent of the Cleaver household, inoffesive representational art,
exclusive heterosexuality, formal dress, bourgeois morality, respect for
authority, shame, work, and Biblical religion.
ZEBRA: Totally useless beast. Is not endangered, and cannot be racially
classified.
