Friday, January 12, 2007
Another article I wrote for Bob that they didn't use. Odd, because it's a lot better than some of the ones they did use.
Marijuana Enthusiast Accuses Roommate Of Fascism
"You know who else was all into having everything all neat and orderly?"
Leon 'Spiccoli' Garvey asked rhetorically last Wednesday, "Hitler, man!"
Mr. Garvey has been vocally denouncing perceived fascistic tendencies
throughout the community since three months ago, when the THC levels in his
bodily tissues reached the saturation point, giving him a case of
bong-water B.O.
Since embarking on his crusade to expose the Nazis in our midst, Garvey has
boldly denounced family members, a series of employers, and Sergeant
Carter, the hapless commanding officer from the syndicated series "Gomer
Pyle, U.S.M.C."
The most serious allegations, however, are consistently leveled against
Garvey's roommate, Irving 'Rommel' Hirchburg, who declined to either
confirm or deny the charges.
"I didn't think he'd make that bad a roommate" Hirchburg told a reporter.
"I know he's not into meth or crack or pills or anything. I figured at
least he'd be mellow." Hirchburg said that he had failed to anticipate the
paranoia, extreme slovenly behavior, and self-righteously Frank-Zappa-like
political harangues associated with severe marijuana over-indulgence.
The first tentative suspicions were raised after Hirchburg left Garvey a
note concerning the importance of paying rent in time. Garvey noted the
importance placed on punctuality by many charismatic ultra-nationalist
heads of state in the 1940's, and drew a direct parallel between his
roommate and Benito Mussolini, who's claims to fame included making trains
run on time.
Later accusations centered on Hirchburg's alleged bossiness and "obsessive
fixation" with cleanliness.
"It's like, whenever I leave crap on the floor or in the sink or anything,
Rommel tells me to move it!" said Garvey.
"And he's a vegetarian too, and he doesn't smoke" Garvey added "Just like
Hitler."
When he finishes cataloging the eerie parallels, Garvey plans to score some
clean urine and use it to "fool those video store crypto-facist
thought-police into hiring me back".
Marijuana Enthusiast Accuses Roommate Of Fascism
"You know who else was all into having everything all neat and orderly?"
Leon 'Spiccoli' Garvey asked rhetorically last Wednesday, "Hitler, man!"
Mr. Garvey has been vocally denouncing perceived fascistic tendencies
throughout the community since three months ago, when the THC levels in his
bodily tissues reached the saturation point, giving him a case of
bong-water B.O.
Since embarking on his crusade to expose the Nazis in our midst, Garvey has
boldly denounced family members, a series of employers, and Sergeant
Carter, the hapless commanding officer from the syndicated series "Gomer
Pyle, U.S.M.C."
The most serious allegations, however, are consistently leveled against
Garvey's roommate, Irving 'Rommel' Hirchburg, who declined to either
confirm or deny the charges.
"I didn't think he'd make that bad a roommate" Hirchburg told a reporter.
"I know he's not into meth or crack or pills or anything. I figured at
least he'd be mellow." Hirchburg said that he had failed to anticipate the
paranoia, extreme slovenly behavior, and self-righteously Frank-Zappa-like
political harangues associated with severe marijuana over-indulgence.
The first tentative suspicions were raised after Hirchburg left Garvey a
note concerning the importance of paying rent in time. Garvey noted the
importance placed on punctuality by many charismatic ultra-nationalist
heads of state in the 1940's, and drew a direct parallel between his
roommate and Benito Mussolini, who's claims to fame included making trains
run on time.
Later accusations centered on Hirchburg's alleged bossiness and "obsessive
fixation" with cleanliness.
"It's like, whenever I leave crap on the floor or in the sink or anything,
Rommel tells me to move it!" said Garvey.
"And he's a vegetarian too, and he doesn't smoke" Garvey added "Just like
Hitler."
When he finishes cataloging the eerie parallels, Garvey plans to score some
clean urine and use it to "fool those video store crypto-facist
thought-police into hiring me back".
