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Saturday, November 29, 2003

Here's what Micheal Schiavo's been up to lately. The dickens!

Here's another Jose Carlos Rodriqez de Jesus column I wrote for Bob From Accounting. They didn't use this one because it's too obscure.

Que El Infierno ES Oleanna?

Me viddy apartarse el Mamet cinema "What Is Oleanna?" ayer. El cinema es bien, mi simpatico para profezar caractar. Jose Carlos Rodriques de Jesus habla mucho experiancea de collegiate gendar-feminista beeeatchez. Mas ahi es uno problemo - no persona en el cinema referir QUE oleanna es! El es muy frustrato. Ayeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me consulta mi dictionaria. Me purchasar nuevo dictionaria. Ahi es nada entre "oleander" e "oleandomycin." Entonces me interogate mi amigos. Las burros creer el es nuevo ersatz marjyarine. Finale, me Aska Yeeves encima de jinternet. Me comprende mas de oleo aquel me jever desear. Tambien, gratis Yerman 'schpritzen und scatte porno'. Es disturbo digressiona. Ayem de fazteest mouze een ahl uv Mehico!

Mayhapa deffinitia de "oleanna" been referir mientras me been draino mi choada en el restarea. Cuando os haber viewad el cinema "What Is Oleanna? ", e os eard-hay el parte donde ellas sayo "El eaning-may de 'oleanna' es como ollows-fay...", el es manditorio para os de escribir de lectronica-maile to el Roberto Desde Fiscale Estemasion hweebsight. Babalu!

Es preferible para me mantener mi composura, mas las predicamento es rendarz me loco! Muy, muy loco!! Asi mucho loco!!! Que el infierno ES oleanna? Jose es no ablea de functionar! Aye chihuahua! Es perturbacion urgencia! Hyaaaaar!

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Friday, November 28, 2003

Don't you hate it when you get the wrong bananas?

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Thursday, November 27, 2003

What this guy did should be legal. If he follows through, he should get a medal.

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Saturday, November 22, 2003

Wouldn't it be embarasing if this turned out to just be two regular mesons stuck together?

"Don't discriminate against us, we're born this way!"

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Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Quote of the Moment ______________________________

"The rest of this book builds on my theory that we're all idiots. I'm sure there are other plausible explanations for why business seems so absurd but I can't think of any. If I do, I'll write another book for you. I promise I won't stop searching for an answer until you run out of money."

- Scott Adams , The Dilbert Principle. buy it.

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Monday, November 17, 2003

Calloo-Calay! The new mr stickman comics are up. I'm pretty sure they're all legal, because parody is about the most thoroughly protected form of speech.

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Thursday, November 13, 2003

Neat! Ann Coulter is weighing in on Terri Schiavo. I'm going to take credit for that, since I sent her an email saying that she should, although she didn't use the angle I suggested (mainstream media bias). I also sent a caricature I drew of Al Franken, because I didn’t know what else to do with it. I suppose it's on her refrigerator now.

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Sunday, November 09, 2003


As many Protestant denominations as there are in name, there are in essence two: Calvinists and Unitarians. Every congregation ought to split in two, then align themselves with like minded schismatics. Ultimately, the movements toward schism should be ecumenical, and lead to a merging of all Protestants into two denominations that would probably be called Orthodox and Reform.

What a man wants from a woman is to know what a woman wants from a man. That isn't very clever, but it's agonizingly true.

Lately, every time I've heard the term "rule of law", it's been used in precisely the opposite sense of its original meaning. Apparently now it means "following orders". I started assorting this assertion before I ever heard of Terri Schiavo. What I had in mind then was the conservatives I had heard doing this in refference to that judge who was ordered to remove the monument from the courthouse.

Goths should try to get some kind of East coast / West coast rivalry started. Then they could be called Visigoths and Ostragoths. Their womenfolk are actually quite fetching when they don't overdo it.

If animal rights advocates gave a [hoot] about the well being of animals, they'd throw their weight behind anti-cruelty laws instead of the patently absurd notion that they have rights. All that animal rights legislation could mean in practice (if we are not reffering to sensible and precidented anti-cruelty measures as "animal rights legislation") is people, corporate and otherwise, being sued by animals. The only reason this "idea" is treated as seriously as it is is that lawyers love it so much. All that the activists accomplish with this is to one-up everyone else compassion-wise, get hairy women to date them, and make a joke of kindness.

Electrical tape should be illegal. It dosen't even stick to anything, how is it even considered tape? Not once in my life have I ever been able to procure proper duct tape when I needed it.

Here's a nice piece about the true meaning of equality.

There is no way in hell that domestic dogs are directly decended from wild wolves, man. Those wolf-dog hybrids are just that, sterile hybrids just like mules, not viable mongrels like crosses between any directly related breeds.

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Friday, November 07, 2003

Here's a filler item I wrote for my old 'zine, right after "Stinkfist" came out. Perhaps you are thinking that they should be in decending order. Perhaps you are a wretched Philistine. You’re thinking of top TEN lists.

Top 12 Rejected Tool Album Titles

1. Funkthumb.
2. Fingersniff.
3. Pittlick.
4. Lipschittz.
5. Suckmembrane.
6. Put A Little Birdhouse In Your Soul.
7. Just What Is Our Problem?
8. Still Really Cranky For No Reason.
9. Hang In There Baby! (the cover has a picture of a cat in a tree).
10. Poop.
11. Whizzworm.
12. Yes, it would kill us to lighten up for fifteen seconds.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Quote of the Moment ______________________________

Doctor Berger's bewilderment was only equalled by his outrage. "Now see here, officer," he said to the leader of the FBI agents who had just broken into his comfortable Seattle home. "There is no need for this. In this family we all support the war effort against the Minervans, of course, but there is no need for us to live like refugees. Melissa and I both have jobs here in Seattle, and a house, and the boys are doing well in an excellent school. It would be crazy for us to leave here to go and live in a tent camp."

"You have no choice. You are Kennewickians, and can only live in Kennewick." Agent Wilkes pointed to the door. "Now stop arguing and get in the van. We have other refugees to pick up."

Melissa was desperate. "You want us to leave right now? Can't we at least pack some possessions?"

Agent Wilkes shook his head. "No, certainly not. Possession of property by refugees is counter-productive. We need you to be as miserable as possible, so as to elicit the maximum amount of pity from Galactic observers."

The Bergers were aghast.

Wilkes turned to the couple's three boys, aged 8, 10, and 12. "Hi, boys, ready to fight the Minervans?"

Tommy, age 8, held up his hand with his fingers shaped to suggest a six-shooter. "You bet, mister! Bang! Bang!"

The agent smiled. "That's the spirit, son, you'll make a wonderful martyr."

- Robert Zubrin , The Holy Land. Buy it.

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Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Belated comments on the Reagan movie:
I kind of wish they'd gone ahead and broadcast it with the most outrageous falsehoods intact, thus discrediting CBS and the Left in general. But who cares what I think? Here's what that astute and objective observer, Barbara Streisand(tm) has to say:

~ B . S . ~

What is going on instead is that the Republicans, who deify President Reagan, cannot stand that some of the more unpleasant truths about his character and presidency might be depicted in the movie, along with his positive actions. In fact, the film, we're told, presents a balanced portrait of a complicated man who said, when confronted with the AIDS crisis, "Maybe the lord brought down this plague because illicit sex is against the ten commandments." This has been changed in the film to, "Those who live in sin shall die by sin," but clearly the sentiment behind that statement is the same. No less a source than the World Health Organization recently said that Reagan was slow in responding to AIDS as a public health crisis, and could have even stopped the epidemic if he had taken it more seriously. Public records and multiple sources show that everything in the film, including his controversial statement about AIDS, is based on irrefutable facts.
~ B . S . ~

Of personal interest to this blogger is how this exemplifies a left-wing quirk I never tire of pointing out: The reflexive implication that saying one thing is exactly the same as saying another ("reducing taxes will stimulate the economy" is code for "let's not let women vote anymore"). Here we see it asserted that the sentiment behind a teleological speculation about the possible cosmic explanation for a disease ("Maybe the lord (sic)...") is "clearly the same" as the talibesque injunction, "Those who live in sin shall die by sin".

If such is the case, then why change it?

As long as I've reprinted the above B.S. statement, I may as well mention that it says that falsehoods are "unpleasant truths", that those who object to lying about him "deify President Reagan", twice refers to a theologically speculative question as a "statement", and alleges that WHO said that Reagan could have stopped the AIDS epidemic at a time when there was no medical treatment for it, and the only conceivable political solution would have been quarantine.

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Saturday, November 01, 2003

\\\\\\\ The Democrats' Seven Deadly Lifestyle Choices ///////

ENVY: The cardinal political virtue. Transforms that fact that some people are more fortunate than others into an inexhaustible supply of perceived social injustices to be remedied politically.

GLUTTONY: 1. Compulsive behaviors caused by large corporations. Small corporations without deep pockets can no more be held responsible for gluttony than can individuals.
2. The shameful tendency of wealthy countries to consume goods and labor from poorer countries, thus destroying the ethno-spiritualy pure beauty of the native cultures by employing their people.

GREED: 1. Belief in absolute property rights; or, failure to recognize that since all cash is printed by the federal government, it belongs to the federal government, which allows the private sector to use it, but reserves the right to take it back at any time for any reason.
2. The wicked desire to keep one's own property, not to be confused with the righteous desire to take away other people’s property.

LUST: An excess of testicular humours excusable only in Heroes of the Workers' Struggle. Otherwise any evidence or accusations of such are grounds for lawsuits and firings.

PRIDE: Highly under-rated virtue. Welfare programs, for example, would not be politically feasible if they only bought the votes of welfare recipients; pride motivates wealthy people to identify themselves as superior to other wealthy people by vocally supporting such programs.

SLOTH: 1. Any non-blue collar labor. 2. The reason the masses refuse to rise up. 3. Perspiration aversion disorder. 4. The failure of illiterate people without cars to turn out to vote (see apathetic).

WRATH: The virtue that moves the masses to rise up against injustices like income tax cuts that disproportionately benefit the people with the most taxable income, property that disproportionately benefits those who own it, and discrepancies in natural endowments not rectified by law.

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